The 2000 presidential election was far more informative and historic than anyone could have imagined. We've learned many things.
Math is important.
No one will know who really stole the election.
No one will know who got more votes in Florida, though Gore is sure he did.
Republicans know they won the Florida election but fear that Gore got more votes.
If something is said often enough, it becomes the truth.
The news media is thankful for 'round-the-clock coverage' of a story that doesn't involve murder, sex, lies, or audiotape. At least, not yet.
Thanks to Florida's sunshine laws, we see that the real world of politics is worse than our smoke-filled back rooms imaginings.
Nobody 'splits tickets' anymore -- votes for the presidential candidate of one party while choosing candidates of another party for lesser offices.
Nobody ever votes for lesser offices without also choosing a presidential candidate.
For a vote to count for Al Gore, democrats require only a trace presence of human DNA in the general vicinity of his name. Republicans demand that the chad be completely punched and the voter asserts in writing on the ballot that she knowingly voted for Gore.
For a vote to count for George Bush, republicans require that his chad be completely punched. Democrats demand that all other ballot choices must be clearly marked republican, along with the voter's written note stating intention.
To ensure neater, more accurate elections, ballots will be re-designed as follows:
/_/ DEMOCRAT
/_/ republican
Neither major political party cares much for third or minor party candidates. Therefore, the above shorter, simpler ballots are deemed to be in the national interest.
Based on the now renowned "South Florida effect," it's been determined that voters are much less likely to mis-vote if their preferred candidate is listed first on the ballot. Democrats concluded that an alphabetical listing was most logical. Also, Al Gore implied that democrats tend to be composed of immigrants, the elderly and disadvantaged, who, pursuant to the Americans with Disabilities Act, are entitled to reasonable voting accommodations.
Republicans trust people to make sound decisions, unless they're Democrat canvassing board members.
Over our nation's voting history, the millions of chronically undercounted votes were never thought of as votes not counted. Those omissions were merely viewed as part of an imperfect human system, which Americans previously, but no more, accepted and respected.
If you need to win a public relations campaign, hire a democrat.
If you need to avoid a public relations battle, don't hire a republican.
Democrats want all votes to be counted; republicans want all votes to count.
To determine vote totals, democrats sum their 'initial' tally, calculate 15%, much like the gratuity you leave a waitress, and then add that increment to their count. Republicans don't add. They rely on the democrats to divine how many votes were cast for them, or should have been.
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Fred W. Apelquist, III, M.Ed.
Approximately 490 words.
© 2000