Medical conditions are being discovered and named nearly daily as we aging baby-boomers search for the secret of immortality.
Sadly, I’m nearly immune to those odd, embarrassing, awkward, and unnecessary television ads about drugs ranging from arthritis relief to bladder control to male impotence. And if these topics aren’t adequately discouraging by themselves through constant reminders of our ailments and deterioration, the legally-required side effects admonitions should be sufficient to scare us to death. Take our pill, help whatever ails, and then drop dead from one of the myriad, but admitted, known risks.
These are not pleasant times. Yet, just when you think all that confronts us medically has been brought to our flat or plasma screens, another malady moves to the fore.
Cauli-cellullar-itis is a particularly vile disease. It is one of many social disease, but with a twist. It’s really an anti-social disease.
Symptoms are visually apparent even to the casual observer. You can detect an infected people because they have an artificial appendage attached to, pressing on, or hovering around the right ear, although at times the device may appear on the left ear.
In some people, the condition appears permanent, as the appendage is strapped to their top of the ear lobe and firmly implanted in the aural canal. The reason the condition seems permanent is due to the lack of frequent mouth movement while the appendage is present.
Conversely, many various temporary contrivances are hand-held and placed to the ear and removed when not in use. In this circumstance, we usually do not observe the infected person holding the device without the expected behavior of lip lateralization or extension. Normally, as soon as mouth movement ceases, the appendage disappears immediately and is placed into a purse-like construct, pants pocket, or hangs on a belt for frequent future symptom recurrences.
The disease’s side effects are disconnection from those in the sufferer’s immediate and corporeal presence, implicit or explicit rudeness to those with whom social intercourse is occurring, and an appearance of utter disregard for the real world surrounding them and the people within it.
As this time, there is no known cure. Many treatments are suggested, such as cold-turkey withdrawal or use of alternative forms of activity such as walking, reading, or face-to-face communication with others. Unfortunately, scientists who are learning more about this condition have concluded that this anti-social disease has its roots in classic addictive behavior. Therefore, treatment for cauli-cellular-itis will be as challenging as alcohol or drug rehabilitation regimes, and likely will experience the same high failure rates.
There is one bright spot. Electrical impulses that create the force behind cauli-cellular-itis are subject to erratic and sporadic performance. That is to say that frequently these impulses stop in the middle of the victim’s interaction with the device (or ear appendage). This causes great frustration and anger, which can result in the victim orally expelling an expletive into or near the offending device. Experts believe that the greater occurrence of these “drops,” as they are called, the more likely the patient will voluntarily remove the appendage and perhaps modify the anti-social behavior which drives the disease.
With all the medical problems facing our society today, it would be wonderful to see cauli-cellular-itis disappear from the scene. The challenge is not only whether those infected can take the difficult steps to break this habit but also whether impressible youth will find the behavior attractive and mimic it.
There is hope for progress. But it can only happen through dialogue and education. The first step is to talk about it openly with as many people as possible.
Perhaps I’ll use my T-Mobile device and call someone about it.
Hmmm. What’s that strange pressure in my right ear?
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Fred. W. Apelquist, III, M.Ed.
Approximately 620 words
© July, 2006